trip in the freezer

As my witty friend Mark in Iceland put it --- "sorry your trip to Iceland got put in the freezer."

Yes that's right...the team isn't going to Iceland. Sorry to disappoint. (Don't worry, I am WAY more disappointed than you are) I guess what happened was the sponsorship for the festival fell through and they couldn't pay for the whole team's tickets. So - no Iceland. I've known for a couple of days but I've been too sad to spread the news. And now it's out there. And for lack of better terms I'm pretty bummed about it.
So here I am enjoying my home away from home here in Charlotte for another two weeks. So far I've been sleeping in way past what should be legal, enjoying a workless and email-less environment and spending time with God and friends.
But it's kind of weird actually. Which I suppose you'll think is pretty normal when I explain what is weird: You know how there is always something that sneaks into our egos when a place exists just fine in our absence? Like somehow are hard work and diligence made the world go round? This is a little of what I'm experiencing now with the House of Prayer. Sick I know - but if you sit back and put yourself in the situation I would think this is sort of a normal human complex. In my defense though that hasn't been my main weird. Maybe not so much as pure nostalgia. The other day all of my friends had to go to a leadership meeting that for the first time I didn't have to go to. I felt a mixture of sadness and relief. Mostly sadness though. Thinking about how this place was my life for 2 years and now all the sudden I don't have to go to the meetings and listen as the thing gets formed. It's like watching a baby grow.
It has been making my head turn a lot. I'm trying to remain in a place where I am calm before the Lord, not begging for too many answers but just asking questions. It seems to be working out pretty well. I've been focusing on the Spirit of Wisdom and some other personal things the Lord has been speaking to me about. But I'm fighting to get away from the question of whether or not I SHOULD be here. Whether or not this weak human can hear the Lord and make wise choices that come from Him. Whether or not I want to watch this baby grow - not because I am NEEDED, but because the Lord WANTS me.

I miss it here.