speaking of work, my broken sister, and jesus

Below are some pictures of my beautiful sister (with extra beauty) stuck in bed for a total of 6 days now. Last night we finally celebrated our birthday with our friends. We are going to the Feist concert tomorrow in Kansas City without my sister's company because of her broken back. I'm sad she can't be there - she's always the one out of my group of friends that is crazy and fearless (well, besides Leah). The rest of us are more reserved together...it's kind of funny how 'life of the party' Michelle is. I love and admire that quality in people because I have zero 'life of the party' in me. I always find myself trying not to inconvenience anyone, always trying not to cause a scene, being quite in big groups, etc. My not inconveniencing anyone is to a fault too - even in silly situations like driving or shopping etc. Or like dropping in on someone to say hi even if I bet they would want me to. Le sigh, I need to inconvenience some people this week and practice. :) Okay maybe not...but at least work on that fear of man element in it.
Anyway, that was a bunny trail... This week has been a good one to transition back into time here. Work has been good - I think I'm going to like the job a lot and it will be pretty relaxing - esp. comparitively speaking to the chocolate factory. My goodness - I laugh when i think about it. I am the department head over Personal Care there so it's a lot of learning about products like lotion, makeup, body wash, shampoo, facial stuff, etc...I know nothing about any of those by the way. I think I bought my first bottle of lotion about 6 months ago. But all of the products are natural. Very cool. Very interesting. And at times -probably more times than not - very hippie. Yesterday I helped an 80 year old woman (not a hippy) find some powder for her face (and she had quite the skin - she told me all about the vitamins she takes to help it), helped her put it on, and then stood there and talked about Jesus and prayer for 15 minutes.
Speaking of Jesus - I find myself not thinking about much these days except how to be near Him. It's nice but that holy desire and longing to be with Him is sort of haunting. I just can't get enough. Which I know is a wonderful thing.

2 quick things

2 quick things - 1. Michelle threw out her back (probably a slipped disc) on Sunday afternoon and has been in bed ever since minus two trips to a physical therapist and one trip to the ER. Please pray for her. She is in a lot of pain and is getting quite discouraged with it - though her attitude is amazing through it all - I'm her sister, I can just tell. She's had to miss work, her graduate assistantship, 2 classes that started this week, usual errands and doing things around the house, and to top it all of she will probably miss the Feist concert in KC this weekend that we all have been looking forward to. She also had to make the hard decision to drop one of her 2 classes as well due to the strain on her back. Thanks for praying. I do not like seeing her in so much pain. 2. I started my new job on Monday, had Tuesday off, and was back to work today. It's going pretty well. I like the people I work with and the place is just fun and earthy. I'll tell you more about all of that later. I think there is just too much in my head to blog well.

grad school students and coffee

Here I am, at the Coffee Ethic for the third time this week. This time i'm sitting amongst my sister's grad school friends as they study for a final. Their brains are working much harder and much, much faster than mine. I sit and relax as they memorize concepts such as the different tics for Tourettes Syndrome, and Adolescent Maturation Cycles (or whatever the big terms are for puberty).

Yesterday I actually joined in on their Advanced Developmental Psychology class at Evangel. They are on their masters guidance counseling track - and I thought it might be helpful to grasp what a master's level class looks like since I am toying with the idea of going to get my own masters degree. I enjoyed seeing my old professors from my undergrad more than I enjoyed the class - but still enjoyed my time soaking it all in. This week has been a lot of soaking for me. Lots of time praying and enjoying small things like 4 cups of coffee in one day, the book The Shack, and lots of prayer and random meetings with friends. I really haven't done anything major, and I'm thinking I may be a little disappointed in myself for this... but I shouldn't be too hard on myself. This month alone will hold trips for me to KC, St Louis, Charlotte, and Iceland. All of which I am looking forward to and saving energy and money for.

To let you all know where I am on the job hunt...I am no longer hunting. A door opened for me at Mama Jeans, a natural health market/grocery store here in Springfield, and I took it. I will now be in charge of the Personal Care department there. I'm thrilled to know what is around the corner finally. Plus the place is awesome - full of great people I go to church with, a fun atmosphere, and seems like a fun job in general (much less stress from what I gather thus far). And I am so thankful for time before I start (july 5th) to relax, contemplate, be with friends, travel, and pray. I'm still tackling bigger concepts of where I want to be and what I want long term - like going back to Charlotte, going to grad school?, relationships, and the like - but I feel like this is a very positive move hopefully in the right direction. Plus Mama Jeans just rocks!

So that's me as far as circumstances go. When it comes to spiritually - I feel like I'm thriving. I'm growing. I'm experiencing. I'm loving. I'm learning to love. I'm learning to trust. I'm learning to give. And there you go. I'm going to get more coffee now.

He is the smoothie and I am the straw

Veggie twist smoothie at the mudhouse.
yummy.

Semi - bored today but enjoying the quite. Tomorrow I think I'm going to go to Kansas City to visit IHOP and be with my mom. (I haven't been there in a long time - since they made everything God.tv friendly actually - a crime for me being so close and all). She's going up to KC to grab her parents mail, check on the house, be with her sister, and to just be there. As you remember both of my grandparents have recently passed away and I think my mom is doing well in dealing with it all - but it's quite a lifestyle change on top of normal grief of missing loved ones. So i thought I would go with her - lighten the load for her so to speak.

Today i have continued my job search with nothing exciting to be found. As I have begun my inner structuring/transition process again my life could go in a million different directions, here are some of the things i have thought about recently:
1. working somewhere fun (like mamma jeans - where i have a second interview soon) and getting my teaching certification. i'm thinking then go on to get a masters in secondary education would be awesome. i am in love with the idea of working with young adults for the rest of my life and maybe being professional at it. And might just enjoy it...
2. going back to charlotte and furthering my involvement with the house of prayer (this is always a serious consideration of mine). i am heading out east in june and going to spend some time there before i join the team for the icelandic adventure. this will provide some time to pray about the possibility along with the others swarming my mind.
3. Busting it and trying to make a career move with a serious job. This involves many months, resumes, cover letters that take me forever to write, money to sip coffees while writing the cover letters, and patience.
4. Moving somewhere random, or maybe not so random, like Colorado. Doing what...well...

No one but me really knows how serious I am about any of these things - well, maybe a few people. I've been pretty reserved in figuring it out out loud - trying to allow myself space to figure it out without the opinions of others interupt the process too much. I've been having issues with giving myself grace to figure this all out. I feel like I should have things more put together at the ripe age of 25. But I don't. Then I see some people that I truly admire at just the right time of my self-loathing. All of whom which have no particular career so to speak of, are the same age as me, are unbelievably cool people, and truly love the Lord - which really matters more than anything else anyhow. Then I let out an inner sigh inside and remember that I'm not the only one asking these life altering questions.

Do any of us really know what we want to do? Is it the norm to know or the norm not to know? And who cares about the norm anyway. I guess I do - it pushes me often into new levels of frusteration and stress. But...I just keep giving my drive to have this worked out to God and ask Him to speak to me concerning these mysteries. And allow me to know that He will do His job and I am to do mine. He answers the questions and I ask. He leads and I follow. He speaks and I listen. He is the music and I am the instrument.

it's a nice day

today has been nice and relaxing. i've spent the majority of it on my back deck, relaxing in the sun and praying. The weather is a perfect 69 degrees and I'm not on a shortage of things to pray about, so the weather helps. Many things to ask for more faith for.

I'm starting to get excited about the Iceland trip about a month away. I put a picture on my desktop of Iceland to remind me. It's mountains and cute little lit up homes are staring at me when i open my computer.

at work i've been going back and forth trying to decide if i made the right decision in quitting. second guessing myself now doesn't help so I'm trying not to do it. I'm trying to have faith that the Lord has something, somewhere, better for me. But it's hard to know what to do. Hard to know which road is the best road to take. I want my life to be one of honoring the Lord and following Him, and I'm having a hard time knowing where or how to spend my time doing that. We shall see. Something is out there and I'm sure it's better than what I could even hope for.

Happy weekend to you all. I'm going to spend my night trying to accomplish many responsible adult things, but am going to do so at the Coffee Ethic downtown with my sister while she studies. Then tomorrow it's celebrating my brother-n-law's birthday with a bbq and a sweet game of wiffle ball.

almost there

Yesterday i found out that they have found my replacement at my job. you know, the one I quit a month ago - i know you might have forgotten about that, i almost did. And consequently I didn't really expect it. Although of course i did at some point, maybe just not yesterday. maybe not so soon. or maybe i expected it sooner and then it didn't happen so i then i was lingering. i thought about going up to my boss yesterday (before my replacement was in for her second interview) and telling him that i would stick around even longer, that it really wasn't so bad. I know i was just trying to tell myself that of course. I happen to think that God shut the door for me.
So at the end of May I will be done with my chocolate experience. Thus begins my wandering and praying for the right thing to come. i have a feeling that my life is going to take some huge turns (of course that would be expected to a certain extent - but more so than just a job change) however i don't know quite yet what those are.
The best way I've come up with to explain how my life is playing out right now is the way one feels when getting ready to climb a big, fat, long, craggy peak. You know if you've climbed a peak that as you rise early from your Mountain Hardware sleeping bag and matching tent, that there are feelings of excitement. And then you get to the trailhead, you take a good look around, maybe get out your topo map, and you see the peak ahead. You think it looks pretty from the trailhead - look at the pretty snow and endearing clouds that cover the top of it - not so much close to a friggin nightmare (okay I'm being dramatic) to actually summit. You look around and see streams and valleys and the path ahead - and there's a thrill in the fact that you are about to accomplish something - i mean birds are singing. Then, of course you walk. And walk. AND WALK. And walk so more. And and some point, there are scary places. The air is thin, there are craggy rocks, your low on water, your cold, and there are multiple thoughts of stopping....

I'll jump ahead to where this is going for the both of us: you get to the top, don't worry. It just isn't a cake walk. It's a mountain. So I'm thinking that I'm somewhere in the middle of this thing walking.

Anyway, I'm optimistic after talking to some close family members and friends. Thanks to those of you who have been there for me in this weird part of life. I think I've grown from it way more than I even realize.

wa wa wa

I quit my job yesterday. reasons will go unstated. i will say this though, it was sucking the life out of me.
i'm scared now. feel like poo. don't know what to do. i don't have anything else lined up and i don't know what direction to go in.
I keep trying to believe that I'll figure out whatever it is that i'm supposed to be doing but it doesn't look like that's going to be accomplished overnight.
i just wish this feeling would go away. it's not.
i'm sitting at the new library downtown. it's pretty amazing. michelle is across from me working on school. i'm sitting here thinking about doing online searches for a job. buuut at the moment am rather unmotivated.
i don't mean to be a downer - i'm just down.

God send a little light my way.
Amen.

worse to worse.

I feel like things are just going from worse to worse.
I wish it would let up. But it's not. Lord what are you dooooing???

On the happy side, here are some pictures of my beautiful Mitch and I. She's my sunshine right now.

singing from the wilderness

i'm working on a new song. I got inspired this week to finish some stuff I've been working on for awhile.
i stayed late at work tonight. there's no shortage of things to do work (and just in life in general). I'm struggling to keep up with it all.
A couple of times today i started to feel overwhelmed and wanted so badly to freak out, or get upset, or cry, or yell, or etc...but lately when that's been happening there's been a supernatural grace just to sing or pray soft enough so that other people don't nescessarily hear, but loud enough that my spirit hears and pays attention.
there's been lots to freak out about. I wonder what God is really doing in my life? Sometimes I wonder why it is that I'm really back here. I know it's not to ship chocolate all over the world, but that's what I spend most of my time doing.
I wonder where it's all leading, what it all means.
Maybe I'm just learning how to live life in the midst of wilderness and REALLY learn how to sing from that place. It is sorta fitting.

okay bye.

10 things that didn't suck this week.

10 Favorite things done this week:
1. sleeping - i LOVE my bed at my parents house. I have always had a true appreciation for 8 hours per night and naps, but I this bed makes me love it all the more. Oh and I appreicate my bed because while living in charlotte i slept on an air mattress for 6 months... Then my time on the air mattress expired when God gave me a real mattress (literally it just one day showed up in my living room), however, the mattress just stayed on the floor and was itself almost expired... Needless to say I'm loving my current sleeping arrangements much more.
2. On Friday I went to Starbucks on my way to work. The mocha went great with my busy day.
3. Praying this afternoon for a long, uninterrupted time. I prayed using Luke 11: 9-13...which i think are my favorite verses right now.
4. Hanging out with an old friend while being snotty and sick and not caring. Just good conversation and enjoying the company.
5. Going to the mudhouse today with a good book. Chai tea tastes like home and cookies.
6. Dinner with mom and dad every night after work. This has become the possibly the biggest bonus to living at home for obvious reasons.
7. Seeing 27 Dresses with friends. Highly appropriate movie to my life right now - being a bridesmaid now for the 4th and 5th time in the next coming months.
8. Making my hair appointment for next week. (I know it hasn't happened yet but it's still on my list because it NEEDS to happen.)
9. Watching Law And Order at Michelle's house.
10. Going to church tomorrow at the Vineyard. (I know this hasn't happened yet either but I'm excited b/c I love the people there so much, and I can't wait to worship somewhere other than my room).

Okay I'm done. Just thought I would think of the good things that happened this week because honestly, I'm sorta having a hard time adjusting to all the newness lately. It helps to be thankful for the things that God has given me and to remind myself of them.

4 thoughts on a burpy night

A couple of thoughts:

I hope I get to sleep tonight. I've been fighting sickness for a couple of days and in my fight I think tonight is the worst I have felt yet. My throat is sore, stomach hurts, achy, the works. The funniest thing happens to me when i get a sore throat... Actually, it's just annoying - I burp a lot. I'm not sure I know anyone except my sister that this happens to, but it's true. Burping is the main thing I hate about getting a head cold. It keeps me up all night (more so than the actual cold) and makes my stomach hurt even worse.
So..we'll see what happens. My pillows are talking to me but I'm not looking forward to beginning a fitful night of sleep.

Lilly the puppy is watching the screen as I type. I think I may live with theee coolest dog ever. She's well behaved, has a funny personality -- and is beautiful. Quickly becoming my friend.

So far, living with my parents has been great. Of course, it takes some getting used to. You know, all those really great dinners every night, mom making my bed for me and turning on the lamp and space heater when she beats me home, not paying for rent, ultilities, food....
Okay so it's a pretty sweet deal, i'm not going to lie. I don't plan on staying here forever but I'm going to try my hardest to enjoy all those homecooked dinners while I've got them. (thanks mom and dad!)

Work is going better now that I'm finding my way into a pattern. I'm learning a lot - about shipping, about retail, about chocolate- to be sure. I really miss the prayer room but I love that the Lord lead me back here and am interested to see where it's all going. I'm finding myself concentrating on finding ways to pray in the midst of busyness. This has been a challenge in some ways but simply easy in others. The greatest thing I have noticed is a simple peace in my heart in the middle of transition. I have learned in the past that these sort of changing situations/environments bring quite a bit of emotional stress that easily makes me worried, cranky, emotional, etc -- but the kind of things that generally would get me down simply aren't. I believe it's the Lord giving me grace to walk out this season. And I not only appreciate it but want to really pay attention to it (His grace) -- you know?

Anyway - those are some raw thoughts for the night before I face my burpy night. I want to talk more about what God is doing in my heart but I must say now my pillows are yelling at me. Goodnight.

empty tank of christmas cheer

i have been so stressed this week. i know it's nearing Christmas but somehow the stress just doesn't allow me to feel it...you know, the Christmas cheer and all.
i left Charlotte feeling rather conflicted about the move in the first place. Asking for the Lord to guide me and speak. I believe He did, but I always feared that maybe He was asking me to choose what I wanted. I kept praying that if that were true, if indeed the Lord was asking me to choose; that He would give me the grace to actually choose what He wanted and change my desires if they weren't the best. Does that make sense? B/c I just don't know what I want outside of just Him. I know it sounds like the goody-sunday-school-what-your-supposed-to-say answer. But it's true. I just don't.

Anyway, since I have been here (Springfield - and yes I realize I've only been back for a week) it has been compounded by walking straight into a job that had me hit the ground running the week before Christmas. And when I say running I mean running.
I'm one of those types of people who puts my whole self into any task that I do when it comes to work. I like to work hard and effectively. But I fear the many details of my job I really don't know how to do. And my stomach hurts realizing that it will put me in a position of weakness on a pretty consistent basis. At least for awhile... And I don't like not knowing what I'm doing.
I guess no one does really. (that was an awkward paragraph)

Anyhow, I'm praying that God would give me grace and wisdom. That He would keep my eyes open to what it is He is doing in my life. That I would want His best and the road He has picked for me. Wherever that is. I recently started writing a song based off of Psalm 61 - and have been humming it all week in the midst of my empty tank of Christmas cheer:
"Hear my cry o God; Attend to my prayer. From the end of the earth I will cry to You. When my heart is overwhelmed, Lead me to the rock that is higher than I." // "So I will sing praise to Your name forever, That I may daily perform my vows." ps 61:1-2,8

Lord I won't grow slient nor weary, I will daily perform my vows.

Winnie Wonka

Well friends, I started a new job at a chocolate factory here in Springfield. So far so good. I'm really tired at the moment so this may be another quick post. But I just wanted to tell everyone out there that I love them and I miss them.
I know lame right, nothing much to say. I have been in "go" mode for awhile now and not really in the processing sort of spot in my brain.

more later...i promise friends.